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Book description

It’s difficult to tell what sort of book Dr. Lerner really set out to write. A book about how having and raising children affects women emotionally and psychologically? A book of random, select parenting advice? A book of counseling case studies tangentially related to parenting? A feminist polemic? The title would have the reader believe Dr. Lerner had definitely settled on the first topic, but it seems to me that equal time is given to all of these topics, and the book therefore lacks focus. On the first subject, Dr. Lerner offers a number of insights and says many things to which I can relate, especially with regard to the subject of mom-guilt. However, she also seems to have an ideological vision that prevents her from considering that some women do not derive their sense of selfhood primarily from their careers or that some couples may have a better relationship if they undertake traditional division of labor roles. As a book of parenting advice, it is, as I said, random and select, offering tidbits of guidance here and there with an entire chapter on getting your children to eat well and talking to them about sex. Let’s ignore for a moment the question of whether one should take parenting advice from a psychiatrist who makes her husband take a separate plane any time they fly in the event that it should crash (and then justifies her idiosyncrasy by writing, “Sometimes we mothers need to honor our worries even when we can’t justify them.”). Is her advice good? I don’t know. I guess I’d have to try it. And most of it I’m not going to try. Especially not the part where I buy my children massive amounts of any kind of food they like, leave it in the pantry, and let them decide how much and what to eat. Yes, maybe they would tire of fruit snacks after three days of gorging themselves on half their body weight of those jellied confections, but I find it easier just to say, “No, you may not have more than one package a day.” But then I’m controlling that way. So much better to end their fixation by making it constantly available in large quantities. (She says it ended her sons fixation with sweets. I’m sure it did. How can you be fixated on something that is available in abundance and never forbidden in any quantity? But I’m curious to know—did he actually eat MORE healthy foods and FEWER unhealthy foods after the experiment? That she never says.) The case studies are sometimes interesting, sometimes not. And the polemic? It’s mild, as far as polemics go. I can get behind some of it, and I shake my head at other parts of it. Dr. Lerner is one of those feminists who assumes she speaks for all women and that those women who do not share her concerns are in denial. I give the book a generous three stars for the insights I did receive and because, if nothing else, I found it interesting to read.

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